Inktober Day #26: “Limerence”
I’d never heard this term before now, but I’ve experienced it. Here’s Dictionary.com‘s definition of limerence:
A state of mind resulting from romantic attraction, characterized by feelings of euphoria, the desire to have one’s feelings reciprocated, etc.
Limerence is that heart-pounding, head-over-heels, “I can’t live without you” feeling at the beginning of a new relationship. It can cause “obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” You’re constantly thinking about them. You’ll do anything to be with them. You’re sure they’re your soulmate. You’re already planning your future together even if you don’t know them well.
What people think “true love” looks and feels like is actually limerence. Blame TV shows and movies for the confusion. Writers don’t always have enough runtime to properly develop a couple’s relationship. But since they’ve conditioned us to believe limerence is love, they don’t have to bother with development. They can just write a bunch of romantic scenes, and we’ll fill in the gaps ourselves.
But in healthy relationships, limerence doesn’t last long: a few months to three years on average. Aisha and Nex were still limerent in this scene from “Legendary Duel” (Winx Club season 6, episode 24), but I think they’ve passed that phase by now. Their relationship feels stable and calm. They‘re not obsessed with each other or dependent on each other’s affection. Instead, they just enjoy each other’s company like a pair of friends. That’s mature love.
Sorry for getting scienc-y on you. I like researching stuff. ?
Anyway, 26 drawings down, five more to go.
Credits:
- Huffington Post: “Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction”
Just for the record, I always really like it when you get super science-y. You make sure that people understand the concepts you’re explaining, which is always a good tbing.
LOL, thanks! ? Also, I thought about you when I researched this. You said that Aisha and Nex seem “quietly romantic,” instead of being lovey-dovey and going on a million dates and whatnot. This might explain it. A couple that’s still in limerence might act like that, but Aisha and Nex have grown out of that phase and moved on to the calmer companionship phase.
Maybe that’s why some fans think these two seem more like friends than a couple. It’s not because Aisha and Nex don’t really love each other. It’s because they love each other genuinely, so their relationship doesn’t run on romance anymore. Real love feels more like friendship.
I hate to bring up Nabu, because just hearing fans bring his name up in conversation is enough to make me visibly sigh these days, but it is interesting to note how that couple stayed in limerence permanently while Nexisha has grown out if it. Aisha and Nabu knew each other for a year and were engaged, but for most of season four, they were still acting like teenagers experiencing love for the first time, which felt especially out-of-character for Aisha. Meanwhile, Nex and Aisha have already been dating for a year (though they have known each other longer), and they’re just acting like normal people. I think it’s great that a kids’ show has a more realistic couple, rather than just constantly swinging between limerence and drama. It’s refreshing to see a couple in fictional media that actually act like real-life people.
I agree 100 percent. The fandom acts like Aisha and Nabu were “couple goals.” They were so perfect for each other, their love was so pure and mature, etc. But in reality, that couple was experiencing limerence, not love — and it was amplified by the fact that neither of them had been in relationships before.
Look at how Aisha acted every time Nabu showed up. Fawning over him, talking about how happy he made her, calling him “my sweet.” That’s a teenager in limerence, not a mature young woman in love. The way she acted after his death — falling apart to the point of abandoning her principles and turning against her friends — is further evidence. She wasn’t in love with Nabu. She was unhealthily obsessed with him.
But like I said, limerence is packaged as “true love” in most media. TV show and movie writers know most young people (and older people, too) don’t know the difference. Aisha and Nabu had that Disney romance vibe, so it’s no wonder they’re more popular. They furthered the myth of what real love should feel like.
But she and Nex are in a healthier relationship. They enjoy each other’s company, they’re not obsessed with each other, they’re not afraid to confront each other without damaging their connection, and they’ve remained individuals. It’s not about romance for them. It’s about companionship, and that’s what mature love really looks like.
The problem is Rainbow introduced Nex in a way that damaged the fans’ perception of him. Now even though he and Aisha are in more realistic relationship, people think he’s “someone she’d never date” when the writers didn’t mean for him to seem that way. I think they wrote themselves into a corner when they introduced Roy first. The love triangle was the wrong solution.
I wish Rainbow could start over with Aisha and Nex’s relationship. They could erase all the damage they’ve done and introduce him in a better way — a way that makes it clear what kind of character he’s supposed to be. No more of this “he’s the new Riven,” “he’s sexist/misogynist,” “he’s secretly a villain” stuff the fandom spreads around as truth, even though it’s not how Rainbow intended Nex to be. (Maybe at least the “new Riven” myth is finally dead, since Riven’s back now.) The live-action show could be a place to give this couple a fresh start, but I’m not hopeful.
i’ve not heard of this term either to be honest
Cute pic.